Last week was not a good week…On so many levels.
Last Sunday an hour before we were to leave for small group, the eldest came down with the stomach virus that has hit the area and puked all over our bed. Oh, and let me mention that at that point my washing machine had been dead since the Wednesday before…And the dog had already spent two days puking everywhere. Bugs got our second and last set of sheets for our bed.
Monday morning, she wakes up fine, and the youngest is then taking her turn with being sick. Thankfully my replacement washing machine was procured thanks to Craigslist that afternoon and at 4:00 p.m. I get to start doing the mountain of laundry that had piled up. Sick children do make quite a bit of laundry…
On Tuesday, I measure myself to find that I had lost a total of six inches. One off the middle, two and a half off the hips, two off the thighs, and a half inch off the chest. I was feeling pretty good about myself. Despite the near steady holding of the weight. I then did the entire Shapely Girl Let’s Get Stepping DVD, including the bonus toning.
On Wednesday I get a half workout in because my allergies were making me very wheezy. We also had an appointment at the car dealership to get the clutch replaced on our car. My husband drops it off on his way to work. An hour after he does that, I get a phone call asking for him to call the service department. I text him and let him know to call them and a few minutes later he texts me back saying I didn’t want to know what it was about. He was right. I didn’t want to know. Turns out, they forgot to order the clutch for our car’s schedule repair. So they have to order it, and it won’t arrive until around lunch on Thursday. And that they won’t get the car started until Friday morning. This is a big problem…HubbaHubba was told that if he came and got the car and then took it back Friday, that if they ran into a problem, we won’t get the car back until Monday as the guy doing the work on our car “doesn’t work on Saturdays.” Hubbs told them this was our only vehicle and asked what we were supposed to do. They didn’t even offer a loaner. So he hitches a ride home from work, had to cancel his Wednesday night class at church and we break the news to the girls that on top of having to miss church, they would also be missing Judo on Thursday night. That went over as well as a pregnant pole vaulter with them…
Wednesday night, on through Thursday, I started doubting myself. While I was thrilled with the inches I had lost, I started feeling guilty about it. I was spending a few hours a week working on me, when I felt like I should have been working on the house, or spending that time with the girls. I felt guilty for being proud of myself in what I had accomplished so far. Growing up, it was instilled in me that being pretty is vanity, that a mom never does anything for herself, that if I felt pride in an accomplishment I was being boastful and full of myself. I thought that if I did all this work, finally got slimmer, and then regained it all back, which a lot of people do, this journey would have been made in vain. Why would I succeed anyway? Who really cares if I do? I don’t deserve to be slim and smaller. I made myself this way and I should have to live with the consequences of it. Besides, if I lose a lot of weight, I’ll have to buy new clothes. I don’t want a whole new wardrobe. I have to clothe the growing girls, along with other expenses. Clothes cost money that I don’t like spending on myself.
By a miracle, the clutch arrived early and they were able to replace it and be done Thursday afternoon. The girls got to go to Judo, much to their delight.
I was in the pits. Friday night found me laying in bed moping before going to sleep. My husband asked me what was wrong. I told him the bulk of the above. He told me that he was proud of me. That he liked how my body feels to him now (even the half inch loss in the chest, he said he loved how it felt to him now). He was proud of me for taking charge and doing something and making a goal and going towards it. That he thought I was beautiful no matter what, that I wasn’t being vain and he expected me to keep working on it. He loves what he sees me becoming.
Saturday morning rolls around and I got up and did the whole DVD except the toning. I had quite a bit of housework to get done and didn’t want to over do my arms. I felt better about myself again a bit. I’m not totally there yet, probably won’t be for a long while. Yet, I know deep down that these doubts are not right. They are not the truth. The truth is, I am loved, I am valuable to God, to my family. I am a person of worth, who can succeed if she really wants to. Changing my life for the better is not selfish or vanity. I know that in some realms of my life, but it is hard to believe it all of the time. I’m working on that. Have been for a long time and probably will struggle with the self-worth issues for a long time yet. Doing this program has made me deal with the parts I had shoved down and hidden away, trying to keep the pain away. While I hate the feelings of inadequacy, the feelings of unfounded guilt and even shame, I know I need to make the choice to work through the issues that are causing this for me. For I won’t be whole until I have done so. If I don’t take care of them, I will not lose the weight I’ve added to myself, I won’t be the person that God has created me to be. While the journey is hard and long and at times overwhelming, I know that in the end, it will be worth it. Not just to be a smaller size, but to be whole and complete emotionally too. I turn my eyes to the hills, from where my help comes from. It comes from the Lord. The One who loves me more than I can fathom and who wants me to see myself through His eyes.
Feel free to visit the blogs below to see how others are doing on this journey.
I was given Let’s Get Stepping from Shapely Girl by Debra Mazda as a part of the Christian Woman’s Affiliate Review Crew. All opinions (and results) are mine and mine alone, no other compensation was received.